Illustrated D&D Fanfic Thingy
Just made up this Dungeons and Dragons story thing
for fun when I was bored. Not my best stuff, but good all the same.
‘Gary wondered why the main characters of books and movies were almost never blond. What was wrong with being blond? He decided his character would be blond, just like himself. His character would have green eyes like him, too.
Gary wondered what he would call him. He eventually picked “Syd”, since he had read that name in a comic once and had really liked it. He had cried when they had killed Syd off in the comic.
He gave Syd a sword. A really big sword. He told himself that Syd would be as good at sword- fighting as Aragorn.
Gary was a dedicated Lord of the Rings fan.
Ashley liked the concept of having red hair that looked like it was on fire. It certainly seemed more interesting than having dull, rusty red hair like she did. She gave her character fiery red hair.
Her character would have purple eyes, and pointy ears on account of being half Elf. She would wear a silk, plum-colored robe, and a heavy black velvet cloak on top. She would use magic.
She named her Esmerelda after her favorite Discworld novel character.
Josh hated looking Spanish. He hated being young and good-looking. He hated the attention it got him.
So he decided his character would be tall, stick-thin and bald. He would have a face that vaguely resembled Christopher Eccleston’s. He would have deep black eyes and a dusty, old brown cloak, and a big gnarled staff that he could hit people over the head with; although he would usually use awesome martial arts skills to kick ass.
He wasn’t sure what to name him. Josh wasn’t very creative with names. He thought Obi-Wan or Gandalf would be too obvious and unoriginal. He settled for Ulysses.
Tracie brushed her long black hair out of her face. She glanced up at the other three over the tall piece of cardboard propped up on the table that separated her from her friends. Her eyes were silver. She always wore silver contact lenses, and nobody knew what color her eyes really were underneath. Gary theorized that maybe she had gray eyes and the contacts were just shiny, not silver. Everyone else thought that the theory was a bit far-fetched.
She smirked at the other three teenagers, and then at the sheets of paper in front of each member.
“Alrighty-then, adventurers”, she said, “let the quest begin!”
“The cave is dark and gloomy. There is a foul stench in the air, which is dry and chilled. The cold sends shivers up your spines. Fell whispers in the darkness suggest that a great evil lurks at the heart of the maze of tunnels. You cannot see further than three feet in front of you; the gloom cloaks your vision like a veil of shadow.”
“I cast Magic Missile !” Ashley suddenly exclaimed. Tracie groaned. It had been funny the first time, but now it was wearing her out. “No. I’m not going to say anything.” Tracie glared at her friend. “I cast it into the darkness!” Ashley continued in a fake childish voice. Josh clapped his hand over her mouth, then nodded at Tracie. “Do proceed.”
“Esmerelda catches a glimpse of a reddish-blue spark of light, nothing more than a pin-point in the great sea of night. And yet it seems eldritch and mystical, like no ordinary light.”
“I whisper to the others : ‘Do you see that point of light, over there, in the distance? I think it may be giving off some arcane energy.’ Then I make an Arcana check to see if I was right.” Ashley had gotten the message and was playing normally now. She rolled a twenty-sided dice. Her face fell. “Three. A bleedin’, stinkin’ three. At least that makes eleven with my Arcana score.” Gary turned to her, eyes wide. “You’ve got an eight in Arcana?” he exclaimed, “At first level?” “Well, yeah; I’ve got three intelligence plus my training in the skill.”
Josh looked desperately from one player to the other. “Can someone please use a language I understand? What are you guys talking about?”
While Ashley tried to explain the concept of skills to her friend, Gary turned to Tracie.
“Okay, my turn. Syd cups his hands around his mouth and screams : ‘WHY ARE WE WHISPERING’. Just to be a jerk.” Ashley whipped around, red in the face. “Why did you do that? Do you want us to get noticed?” “Well, yeah. We haven’t fought anything for, like, ten minutes.” “Dude, there’s a creepy dark cave right there. There’s obviously going to be something nasty inside.” “Well, even if there were, we would still survive it. Trace wouldn’t lay down a TPK on our PC’s first dungeon.” “Can someone please explain to me what is going on?” “Not my fault if you’re a n00b. You know what, go whine at Gary. He’s the one who’s gonna get us all killed.” “Ooh, miss fussy doesn’t want her hands dirtied–” “–Mister stupid is gonna get our asses kicked–” “–Please tell me how to–” “EVERYBODY SHUT UP.”
Tracie sank back down in her seat. The others appeared to make themselves as small as possible. She silently looked each player in the eye, one by one. When it was Josh’s turn, he shuddered. Tracie’s glare had always creeped him out. It probably had to do with the silver contacts.
“Are we clear?” She said softly. Her friends nodded, avoiding her gaze. “Okay”, Tracie continued in normal tones, “So an eleven is largely sufficient to detect massive arcane waves being emitted by some source somewhere in the distance, in the general direction of the gleam of light.” “So do we head towards it?” Asked Josh. Ashley and Gary agreed. “Then let’s do so.”
“As you advance towards the spark, the darkness quietly envelops you. You can soon see absolutely nothing around you; not even the cave mouth left far behind you. You cannot even see your hands anymore. The only thing in sight is the star of light. As you move towards it, it grows bigger, ever so slowly. The ground beneath your feet soon stops being rough and uneven, and becomes a smooth, cool surface that feels like it has been worn down by thousands of feet.
The light grows to the size of a human head, yet still seems to have gotten no closer.”
“I’ll need an Endurance check to see if you keep heading forward or collapse from the lack of food and drink.” Tracie interrupted her narration. “Lack of food and drink? Why didn’t you say so earlier?” Exclaimed Ashley. “I reach into my pack and fumble around until I find, um, whatever food I packed.” Josh looked uncertain, and wondered what it was that adventurers ate. Gary grinned. “I’ve got Elvish waybread” he claimed proudly. “It’s like that lembas stuff the Galadrim make.” Ashley groaned. “You’ve got to be kidding me. Do you ever think of anything other than trying to be the most annoying LotR fan ever?” “Nope. Sometimes, when it gets really crazy, I think I’m a Dunedaìn Ranger and am actually forty-two years old, instead of fifteen, but had my memory wiped after an encounter with the Witch King of Angmar.” “Nerd”, called Ashley in disgust. “Aren’t we all?” Asked Tracie. “And proud of it”, added Gary. “Now are we going to explore the c**p outta that cave or not?”
“The silence, which had fallen like a stone all around you, is gradually broken by faint whispering sounds, like flitting wingbeats at your sides. The light, now visibly a shining white surface coalescing with blues and reds, is the size of a large horse and yet still seems distant. As you approach, the whispers roar like a torrent of water. You finally reach the glowing white light. It is the size of a tree, an oak or a willow. The colors race across its surface : not only reds and blues but purples and golds. It is as if enveloped in an aura of ancient, ethereal magic.”
“The old guy at the Inn said we were looking for some portal to the secret treasure-room”, interrupted Ashley. “This must be it.”
“Certainly looks portal-ish”, agreed Gary, holding his chin in his hand as if in thought. “You told me portals were blue or orange”, wailed Josh, “And that you could see what was on the other side”.
Ashley rolled her eyes. “That’s different. Portals look different in different games. It could be a swirling black vortex on the ground and still be a portal.”
“Anyway”, said Gary, “I jump in screaming ‘GERONIMOOOO!!!!’ What do I see on the other side?” Tracie put her hand up. “Hold on, you have to wait for the others. Telling you would be spoilers for them.”
“I yell ‘Are you dead?’ through the portal.” Said Josh. “I stick my hand through”, Ashley added, “And feel around for Syd”.
“Esmerelda’s hand grasps Syd’s cloak as he stands up, marveling at what stands before him: A spherical room with gleaming walls of diamond, and a massive ball of solid gold floating gently in the center. A faint line runs around the circumference of the gold ball, as if it could be opened.”
“I reach out and pluck the ball out of the air”, said Gary. “Okay”, said Tracie, “Almost instantly a beast with the head and body of a lion and the wings of an eagle leaps down out of thin air and roars. The portal blips into a window of crystal, allowing Esmerelda and Ulysses to see inside but keeping them out. Esmerelda’s hand is stuck inside the room, from the wrist down.” “A Sphinx!” cried Gary. “I know this –he’ll ask you a couple questions and if you can answer them you get to keep the treasure. If not, you have to fight him.” “Well, you’d better be able to answer those riddles, ’cause that thing’s, like, level fifteen,” warned Ashley. “He’ll make adventurer pulp outta you.”
“The Sphinx, proud and majestic beast, approaches Syd. He speaks. ‘Answer me three riddles, child, and you may keep the treasure. Fail, and I must destroy you –under the eyes of your friends and companions. The first riddle : Thirty white horses on a red hill. They stamp and they champ and then they stand still.’”
“Oh, dude, I remember that one!” cried Gary all of a sudden, “It’s teeth. The answer is teeth!”
“The Sphinx nods. Then : ‘Alive without breath, as cold as death. Never thirsty, ever drinking, clad in mail yet never clinking’.”
“Fish”, said Gary after a moment of thought.
“ ‘And the final question’, says the Sphinx. ‘This thing all things devours : birds, beasts, trees, flowers; gnaws iron, bites steel; grinds hard stones to meal; slays king, ruins town, and beats high mountain down’.”
“Time”, said Gary without having to think. Then his face contorted into a look of confusion and suspicion. “Those were all riddles from Riddles in the Dark in the Hobbit. Did you set it up knowing that it would be the happy-go-lucky Tolkien-ist to jump head-first into the threatening portal, and be able to solve all the riddles in a cinch on account of being a happy-go-lucky Tolkien-ist?” Tracie grinned cunningly, but said nothing to answer his question.
“The window turns back into a portal as the Sphinx evaporates. You hear only its voice, as if carried some distance by the wind, saying ‘Well done, Syd Gilius. You have answered all riddles and have won the kingly gift. Farewell’.”
Ashley turned to Gary. “Syd Gilius? You gave him the same last name as well? That is SO uninventive.” “Tell me why Esmerelda is better, then.” “Because most people know her by her last name than her first, and she doesn’t have the same last name. She’s Esmerelda Goldflower.” “Oh, right, as if ‘Goldflower’ is better than ‘Weatherwax’. Why not ‘Rainbow Pony Princess’ while you’re at it.” “I don’t think Goldflower is too bad”, ventured Josh cautiously. “Oh, shut up”, answered Ashley. “Oh, speaking of you, I think we can all agree that ‘Ulysses’ is the least original here.” “Hey, stop picking on Josh. He didn’t do anything.”
Tracie sat back in her chair and waited. When Ashley got mad, it was hard to silence her, and the best you could do was wait it out.
Eventually Gary yelled : “Anyway, are we going to open this orb thing or not? HAIL YEA we are.”
“Just a sec, we’re not even out of the cave yet. We can hardly see anything.” Josh cut in.
“Yeah, that’s right”, said Ashley. “Maybe somebody shouldn’t have rushed in head first”.
Gary didn’t answer. He was busy thinking. “Hey, Ash, haven’t you got that town portal ritual spell thingy?” “What do you mean? There’s nothing like that in the Player’s Handbook.” “Trace could’ve made it up. Go on, cast it.”
“Esmerelda traced the glowing runes on the cave floor, with Ulysses’ help. She then stood up and read out of her spellbook the required verse. The runes flashed, then swallowed the party in a brilliant flash of light. They found themselves in the middle of the town that they had left what seemed like just hours ago. In truth, it had been a full day.
They rested in the Inn for the night, then set off in the morning for the nearby castle, where the duke of Shnitz-gefuz lived.
Before entering the castle grounds, they hid behind an oak tree to open the golden orb. Inside, they found an egg, as big as a human skull, and patterned with gold and red splotches of color. Ulysses recognized it as a Pegasus egg. They realized the duke wanted this egg so he could hatch and raise a flying beast of his own so he could travel the airs in style.”
“I say we keep the egg and tell him that we couldn’t find it”, said Gary. Ashley stared at him. “Are you mad? That would be disloyal to the kingdom!” “Hey. Chaotic Good alignment, the kingdom can go bugger itself for all I care.” Gary smiled. Josh nodded in agreement. “Yeah –I’m True Neutral, so I’m all for this plan.” “I can’t let you do that”, insisted Ashley.
“Realizing that they had reached a point of disagreement, Syd clobbered Esmerelda with the hilt of his sword and ran off with Ulysses and the egg.”
Ashley growled. Gary smirked. Josh snickered.
“See you all next week”, laughed Tracie.’